April 08, 2013

Hello life, how are you?

Ever heard of the phrase "Life is like a wheel, sometimes you're up, sometime you're down" or something similar to that?

Let me tell you that, that phrase bears truth. A lot of truth.

What I am about to share to you guys is something that happened to me and it's still happening. I am not writing this for you guys to show pity on me. Hell no. I am sharing this because maybe, just maybe, some of you who are in a similar situation as mine would be able to find some insight.

Photo by Devian Grey
Life literally decided to test me last year. 2012 was such a struggle for me. It all started summer 2012, the trigger was the death of my grandmother. From them on, bad things happened from relationship problems to career problems. My emotional being took a big hit. In fact it was a critical hit. I would wake up in the middle night crying. Idle times would turn me into a sobbing mess. It went on for months. I never told anyone was going on with me. Not to family, not to friends, not to love ones. I kept it in thinking it's just me being emo-shit and it will be okay soon. But it was not. It was not okay.

Then one day, I cracked and had an emotional breakdown. That's when I realized that there is something really wrong with me. That this hurtful throb in my heart is not just a physical pain but an emotional one. That those sobbing moments, those uncontrollable cries every night was not normal. That hiding the pain from everyone and throwing a happy face is literally a killer. That I was suffering of some sort of depression is something not to be ignored. It was that night, I realized I was not okay.

It took a lot of courage for me to accept it and have myself see a therapist, to admit to my parents that I am emotionally unwell. To tell my closest friends that I am not okay. For a long time that I am not okay.

Until now, I feel like I'm still in a slumber, still trying to heal. I struggle everyday not to let depression ruin what I have right now. I still go out, hang out with friends, go to work etc. If there's something I do know, is that I have more alone-time. I usually spend time alone nowadays. I know it sounded a bit lonely and all but I currently feel at peace being alone most of the time. It made me reflect and be in touch with my inner self. With this, I found myself surrounding myself with people who I really trust the most and I just lie low on going out in a big group. I found myself much happier if I focus on the good things rather than the bad. I try to remember sad memories and try to accept them. Slowly but surely.

So where is life putting me right now? I think in the middle? I am not completely okay but at least I can say that I am going to get to the top soon. I have to say that no more crying in the middle of the night and my visit to my therapist is not as frequent as before. I was told we're near termination of the helping session since I am on my way there already and I could handle my fragile emotional state with much ease and clarity.

When I told my closest friends that the good vibes and good feels is what keeping me going, I meant it. My family helped me a lot and I've spending more time with my mom now. I hope and pray that this progress I have made will continue. I pray that someday I will be on top again.

2013 started well for me and I took it as a good sign.

To those who have listened to me, those who have tried to help me go through this. Thank you.

And those who are in the same position as me, life goes on my friend. It doesn't stop just because you are feeling that way. Surround yourself with people who genuinely cares and love you. Talk to your inner self. Reflect and try to understand your situation. Accept your situation and try to find help and when you do, have the courage to help yourself. Keep away from negative vibes and always remember: You are not alone in this. Never you are and never will be.

Once you get over this, you will be stronger than ever.

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