May 15, 2013

My Trauma on Suicide

Everyday I think why am I still here....These words are so damn familiar to me. I heard it a lot of times watching TV series, movies etc. I never thought I would ever hear this come from a friend.

When I was taking my Masteral OJT in Guidance in Counseling, I was asked if I could handle suicidal people. I said, maybe I could but in fact I am terrified. Maybe because I have a traumatic experience on the said subject.

I had a friend in HS who said those exact words I mentioned above. That friend of mine was a very troubled individual. I was young and inexperienced that she was already showing signs of suicide. The slashes on her arms, deep depression etc. I just thought she might be experiencing deep family problems. She aired those problems to me a lot of times whenever we see each other. Never in my wildest dream that she would actually kill herself not to mention doing it while we're having an overnight at her house.

We all woke up the next day and she was already dead in the bathroom. It was my first time losing a friend and I lost it to suicide. 

This is why whenever the term suicide comes up, I am very touchy and sensitive about it. Especially when a lot of us calls suicidal people cowards. I don't think they are. Thinking about it now, I think my friend was strong that she was able to carry the burden of her problem at her age. She has been carrying that burden since elementary, something a child should not carry. It is just sad that she was not able to bear it anymore. Her only consolation was us friends but it was not enough. She needed medical help but it was not given to her. Preventive measures was not given and thus it happened.

You can say that suicide is cowardly because you try to escape from the hardship of life. Aren't we all trying to escape the hardship of life? It is just not all of us would choose the option to kill one self. You know what, let me share these quotes to all of you

"Suicide is not cowardly, I'll tell you what's cowardly; treating people so badly that they want to end their live" - Ashley Purdy, Black Veil Brides

 "People who die by suicide don't want to end their lives, they want to end their pain."
To you my friend, it's your birthday this coming weekend, I still miss you lots. I wished I could have helped you more, I wished I could have been a better friend but there is no room for regrets now. It is but a tragedy that you had to do it but you had to do it and you have your reasons. I pray for you, you know that? I do. You are probably one of the reason why I decided to start a career on counseling. Hoping to change lives of those who are like you in the future.

May you rest in peace my friend.

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